· It is a natural and normal emotional response to loss. Grieving the loss of a child can be particularly difficult as parents are not meant to outlive their children. No parent is ever prepared for the loss of a child.
What is the process of grief?
· Psychologist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross (1969) identified five stages of grief. People may go through the stages in any order, and may return to stages several times. Some people do not experience every phase.
* Denial – feeling like the loss is not real or not having any emotions about the loss
§ This is usually only temporary
* Numbness is a normal initial reaction to death and doesn’t mean a person doesn’t care
* Denial can help the person engaging in necessary action, such as planning funeral services or notifying relatives
* Anger – feeling the loss is not fair, looking for someone to blame
- When people feel helpless and powerless, anger is a common reaction
* Some people may feel angry at a higher power or at a doctor or healthcare provider for not saving their loved one
* People who are in this stage may be difficult to care for but be patient
- Bargaining – desiring a way to postpone or undo the loss
* Many people will attempt to negotiate with a higher power to bring their loved one back
* Others will think about what they could have done differently to prevent the loss of their loved one
- Feelings of guilt are not uncommon during this stage
* Depression – feelings of extreme sadness, longing, emptiness, and loneliness
* This stage indicates the person is coming to terms with the significance of death
* Someone in this stage may spend much time crying and may feel disconnected from other loved ones
* Difficulty sleeping, poor appetite, low energy, tiredness, and anxiety are common during this stage
* Acceptance – coming to terms with the loss and feeling able to move forward
* During this stage a person also comes to terms with all of the emotions they experienced when the death or loss occurred
* Once the loss is accepted, healing can really begin
Children experience death differently at different ages, according to their developmental level
- Infant to age 3 – children this young really don’t understand death the way older children or adults do. They do understand the person is not there and they will often wait for the person and may cry, not eat, and/or have difficulty sleeping. They will often look to older children and adults and mimic their grieving behavior. It’s still important to explain what happened to the child to hopefully alleviate feelings of abandonment. Use simple but correct terminology (very young children don’t understand what “passed away” means). Understand the death will be revisited as the child gets older.
- Age 3 to 6 – at this age, children tend to be very curious about death. They may not understand the permanence of death, and they may even think their own thoughts or actions led to their loved one’s death. They may temporarily display behaviors of younger children, such as wetting the bed, thumb-sucking, or a fear of sleeping alone. Many children worry others will leave them as well. It is important to provide children information in a manner they can understand. Help them understand they did not cause the person’s death, and assure them they will be cared for. It is helpful to keep the child’s routine as normal as possible.
- Age 6 to 12 – children in this age group generally understand the finality of death, but may have difficulty understanding it is something that will happen to them. When they lose a loved one, it may bring this to the forefront, and some children may start to obsess over their own death. Some children may have difficulty expressing their grief and as a result may act out in an aggressive manner. Others may become clingy. It is not uncommon for children to experience physical symptoms while grieving. It is important to be open and honest with children in this age group and to answer their questions the best way you can. Allowing them to take part in planning services can be helpful.
- Age 13 to 18 – adolescents generally have the same capacity to understand death as adults, however, they may be unsure how to react. Some may display the emotional dependence of a child, while others may attempt to be strong, as they think an adult might. They may be reluctant to ask for help for fear of appearing too childlike. It can help to let teenagers know that confusion is normal and that expressing their emotions is okay.
- Adults – there are many factors that contribute to how an individual grieves including their relationship with the deceased, the cause of death, whether it was sudden or anticipated, how they’ve dealt with past losses, their support system availability, and their religious views. The death of a loved one can result in many life changes including changes in routine, responsibilities, priorities, goals, and activities.
· There’s no set time where someone “should” be done grieving. Initial feelings of grief are very intense, but they tend to decrease over time. Most people will experience waves of strong emotions. Often the most intense feelings of grief come and go over the course of 18 months or more. The feelings of loss may never fully go away, but they will become more bearable. Many people experience more intense feelings on the anniversary of the death, birthdays, or when they see other children accomplish life milestones.
· Grieving the loss of a child is a long and painful process. Remember there is no right or wrong way to do it. Be kind to yourself and honor the emotions you experience. Things will get better. Make sure to reach out when you need help.
· Many people do not seek out help from a mental health professional during the grieving process, and many others do. While it is a personal choice, here are some warning signs that you might need to seek out the advice of a professional:
· If your company has an Employee Assistance Program, this can be a great place to start, as most will connect you with services that are no-cost or low-cost
· Churches often offer spiritual or religious counseling, which can be extremely helpful during times of grief
· The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) has a webpage where you can search for mental health and/or substance abuse treatment providers in your area: https://findtreatment.samhsa.gov/
· If you are experiencing a mental health crisis, such as suicidal ideation, please call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room
· If you feel like you are in crisis:
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