Siblings

I remember when my mom sat down with my siblings and I and read us a book called Timmy the Leaf. It was a story that taught us about life and death. She always talked about Johnathon and took his stuff out often to show us his little shoes and all his stuffed animals. It wasn’t until I was a little older that I fully understood what had happened. But we did know on February 25th and June 3rd we let balloons go and celebrated my brother’s life.  

When it came to my mom, I couldn’t imagine the emotional toll it took on her. She talked about how she didn’t want any more kids after him and a year later in June I was born. Explaining to people that I have an older brother but I’m the oldest alive has always been a difficult one. The fact that people always comment that I seem okay with his death is also very difficult. It isn’t so much that I am okay just the fact that I couldn’t do anything about it. You can fight it and fight it and it won’t get you anywhere. I wonder what he would be like and to see what kind of relationship him and I would now have. Would we argue a lot or how close we would be?  

Celebrating that person’s life, no matter how short or long it is, and understanding that he’s where he’s supposed to be. Its never goodbye just see you later.  

When it comes to other siblings who may be going through the loss of a sibling, I would recommend talking to someone, whether that’s a professional or even your dog. As long as you are getting what you need out that’s all that matters. Making sure you communicate with those around you and let them know if you need help and how they can help. Just keep in my mind that your sibling doesn’t want you to stop having fun or be to sad. They want you to cherish those moments you guys had and just always keep them in your heart and not to forget them.

 When I was younger, my mom explained to me that I had a big brother named Johnathon who passed away when he was little. I always remember her saying that he was always watching over us and that he loved us all very much. As I got older, I was able to understand what my mom explained to me on a deeper level. This level came with more emotion and confusion than when I was younger. So, I’d sit and talk to my mom, she’d share stories about Johnathon and pull out a suitcase she has full of his things. I had a hard time understanding why Johnathon couldn’t be with us, but I had an even harder time realizing that I’d never be able to meet him. Celebrating achievements, birthdays, or holidays was harder because I found myself wishing Johnathon were there with us. On my birthdays my wishes were always the same; that my brother would be standing in front of me when I opened my eyes. After a handful of wishes I realized that Johnathon being there wasn’t attainable, which is still hard for me to comprehend to this day. But that doesn’t mean that he’s not with me or my family because he is. There are days where I find myself wondering what he would’ve been like based on the stories my mom told of him. 

For those who are in a similar position as me, there are many different things you can do to help cope or just take a moment for yourself. I like to keep a journal where I write to my brother and tell him about my day or just how I’m feeling that day. Since Johnathon loved dinosaurs my mom made all of us a dinosaur stuffed animal from Build- A-Bear, which I sleep with every night. I also have a necklace with his initials and picture of him on it, as well as a hat and jacket that have his initials as well. When we’d visit Johnathon at the cemetery my mom would give me some time to sit and talk with Johnathon. It made me feel close to him and it gave me the chance to just let out all the tears and unspoken words I felt sitting next to him. Talking to Johnathon was hard at times, but it really helped me feel close to him and in a way create a bond with him. On the days when we couldn’t go and visit him at the cemetery I’d sit in my room and just talk, because I knew he was there listening. These are a few things that have helped me cope and deal with losing my brother, which may be of use to those in a similar situation.