Grief

Children experience death differently at different ages, according to their developmental level

- Infant to age 3 – children this young really don’t understand death the way older children or adults do. They do understand the person is not there and they will often wait for the person and may cry, not eat, and/or have difficulty sleeping. They will often look to older children and adults and mimic their grieving behavior. It’s still important to explain what happened to the child to hopefully alleviate feelings of abandonment. Use simple but correct terminology (very young children don’t understand what “passed away” means). Understand the death will be revisited as the child gets older.

- Age 3 to 6 – at this age, children tend to be very curious about death. They may not understand the permanence of death, and they may even think their own thoughts or actions led to their loved one’s death. They may temporarily display behaviors of younger children, such as wetting the bed, thumb-sucking, or a fear of sleeping alone. Many children worry others will leave them as well. It is important to provide children information in a manner they can understand. Help them understand they did not cause the person’s death, and assure them they will be cared for. It is helpful to keep the child’s routine as normal as possible.

- Age 6 to 12 – children in this age group generally understand the finality of death, but may have difficulty understanding it is something that will happen to them. When they lose a loved one, it may bring this to the forefront, and some children may start to obsess over their own death. Some children may have difficulty expressing their grief and as a result may act out in an aggressive manner. Others may become clingy. It is not uncommon for children to experience physical symptoms while grieving. It is important to be open and honest with children in this age group and to answer their questions the best way you can. Allowing them to take part in planning services can be helpful.

- Age 13 to 18 – adolescents generally have the same capacity to understand death as adults, however, they may be unsure how to react. Some may display the emotional dependence of a child, while others may attempt to be strong, as they think an adult might. They may be reluctant to ask for help for fear of appearing too childlike. It can help to let teenagers know that confusion is normal and that expressing their emotions is okay. 

- Adults – there are many factors that contribute to how an individual grieves including their relationship with the deceased, the cause of death, whether it was sudden or anticipated, how they’ve dealt with past losses, their support system availability, and their religious views. The death of a loved one can result in many life changes including changes in routine, responsibilities, priorities, goals, and activities. 

  · There’s no set time where someone “should” be done grieving. Initial feelings of grief are very intense, but they tend to decrease over time. Most people will experience waves of strong emotions. Often the most intense feelings of grief come and go over the course of 18 months or more. The feelings of loss may never fully go away, but they will become more bearable. Many people experience more intense feelings on the anniversary of the death, birthdays, or when they see other children accomplish life milestones. 

•  While there’s no magic pill, there are things you can do to help:
•  Find a support group, online or in-person where you can connect with other parents who have lost a child
• Talk with a mental health professional who specializes in grief
•  Journal your feelings or write down memories of your child 
• Engage in self-care such as eating well, exercising, and getting enough sleep
• Talk with your doctor about medications if your depression is interfering with your daily life
•  Educate yourself about death and grief
• Engage in comforting rituals
• Obtain support from your faith community, praying, and/or attending services
•  Avoid other major life changes, if possible
•  Experience and express your emotions
•  Avoid drugs and alcohol
•  Maintain as normal a schedule as possible

•  Many have identified four tasks of mourning:
• To accept the reality of the loss
• To work through the pain and grief
•  To adjust to the environment without the person
•  To find new ways to remain connected to the deceased while also moving forward with one’s life

· Grieving the loss of a child is a long and painful process. Remember there is no right or wrong way to do it. Be kind to yourself and honor the emotions you experience. Things will get better. Make sure to reach out when you need help.

  · Many people do not seek out help from a mental health professional during the grieving process, and many others do. While it is a personal choice, here are some warning signs that you might need to seek out the advice of a professional:

•  Feeling completely numb, avoiding all emotions
•  Not doing what needs to be done such as tending to your child’s belongings
•  Feeling obsessed with the loss and unable to think about anything else
• Holding on to guilt or anger
•  Feelings of pain and loss that do not lessen over time (if they last longer than 12 months without decreasing in severity)
•  Engaging in self-destructive behaviors such as neglecting your own health, abusing drugs or alcohol, having suicidal thoughts, acting out impulsively, or developing long-term stress-related physical symptoms

  · If your company has an Employee Assistance Program, this can be a great place to start, as most will connect you with services that are no-cost or low-cost

· Churches often offer spiritual or religious counseling, which can be extremely helpful during times of grief

· The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) has a webpage where you can search for mental health and/or substance abuse treatment providers in your area: https://findtreatment.samhsa.gov/

· If you are experiencing a mental health crisis, such as suicidal ideation, please call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room

· If you feel like you are in crisis:

• You can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, where you will be connected with a skilled crisis worker anytime
•  You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting CONNECT to 741741
• Both services are free, confidential, and available 24/7
  

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